This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the US. The bank thought it
amusing enough to publish in the New York Times:
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial
ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following
changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank
has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and
blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom
you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs
to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies
of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the
Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any
dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice.
By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guide through an extensive
set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me;
2. To query a missing repayment;
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry;
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is
received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received;
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home;
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.
10. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a
refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie, "Oh, the banks are made of marble,
with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the
miners sweated for". After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will
probably know it off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will
read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will
be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured
cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't
come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief
and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client,
Bob Jones